channeling disappointment

Grief is a natural response to loss. It can be felt in many ways. Grief’s impact can be emotional, social, spiritual, physical and financial. It is as individual as the person you loved and lost. Grieving while living away from family and friends can be especially difficult. This is a place where you can share your thoughts, and get ideas on how to cope. It is here for you to get support and validation.

channeling disappointment

Postby slakin » Thu Dec 11, 2014 5:33 pm

As many bereaved are wondering how to get through their traditional holiday celebrations without their loved one, others are struggling with memories of less than perfect holidays. This groups has memories of bitter arguments or canceled dinners or perhaps of the deceased behaving badly and repeatedly disappointing family hoping to have the celebration seen in television specials. At a time when those around you seem to be in a holiday mood, grieving an unsatisfactory relationship is especially isolating. Old resentments might resurface. Often self esteem is affected by self blame for what happened.

Grieving involves not only mourning what we had, but also what we didn't have. It is a chance to finally come to terms with the deceased as he was, not as we might have wished him to be. Perhaps you can come to a better understanding of the deceased doing the best he could, given his own life experience. Look for a way to let go of the anger and use that energy to develop positive action in your own life. Take a batch of cookies (they can be store bought) to the local fire or police station to show your appreciation of their services. Give a cup of of cocoa to the crossing guard at the corner of your street the next blustery day. Assist an elderly person in a store or parking lot. Giving of yourself often turns out to be the best gift to yourself.

You may always wish things would have been different within your family, but you can begin to make things different for yourself in the future.
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Re: channeling disappointment

Postby shamme-hwr » Tue Apr 07, 2015 2:37 pm

I recently had the opportunity to talk with some teens who had a lot to say about disappointment and unmet expectations. They shared with me a common experience of growing up and hitting milestones without their loved one and struggling with new disappointments. A very wise 13 year old spoke to this better than I could ever illustrate on my own. He said he used to be sad that his dad was not there to take him fishing, to movies and always buy him a kite and a new fishing pole every Spring. He now struggles with his father not being here to tell him what is happening to his body, to answer questions about girls and teach him how to be a man. One loss, resulting in ongoing and often unexpected disappointments. I asked him what he does with these thoughts and feelings. He has been fortunate to have a positive male role model for some of the teaching, but this seems hard sometimes because it is "not fair" that he has to go to someone other than his dad. He says on really bad days, he goes outside where he feels closest to his dad and yells. He yells to his dad and at his dad, and then with a shrug of his shoulders he told me, "then I feel a little better and try to figure it out." He says that he keeps going because even without his dad he will become a man and wants to be the best one that he can be. He believes someday he will see his dad and again and wants him to be proud. How wise at 13 to have come to terms with the fact that while this loss is not fair and not how he would like for his life to be, it is his reality. Dealing with disappointments, frustration and even resentments with some raw expression and thoughtful problem solving to make the best of the rest of his own life is a pearl of wisdom that I received as a gift from this junior high student.
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Re: channeling disappointment

Postby kitkat5 » Mon Aug 03, 2015 8:38 am

Sometimes the very people we think will be there for us when a death occurs aren't, and the people we least expect, step up and provide us with what we need. This can lead to such feelings of disappointment in those we thought we could count on. But there could be legitimate reasons why someone wasn't there for us such as a family emergency, etc. Or perhaps they couldn't be there emotionally for whatever reason. Maybe they also had a recent death and had nothing left to give because they are grieving too. And honestly, sometimes attending a wake or funeral is not at the top of our list of priorities and may interfere with other preferred plans. Although it is disappointing and hurtful when this occurs, can anything good come out of these situations? I think it can- it makes us more aware of the importance of being there for someone if possible. We might make a more concerted effort to try and not forget someone in their time of need because we remember how we felt when it happened to us. We might also be more prone to include people in outings knowing they have had a loss and may not have the opportunity to go to certain things if they were alone. And lastly, we might re-evaluate relationships and decide if the relationship is still important to us or if we have hung on to it out of habit. As with anything, something good can arise out of what seemed so disappointing and awful at the time.
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Re: channeling disappointment

Postby kincaid59 » Tue Nov 03, 2015 10:25 am

Sometimes letting go of our grief can be one of the hardest things to do. We live in a world of denial, thinking “if only…I wish…” We hang on to magical thinking of what could have been, what things should be like. When we are able to let go of things we have no control of, we are able to accept our new reality. We will always grieve our losses but hanging on to what cannot be only creates stress and chaos in our lives. Easier said than done. Ask yourself “what keeps me stuck in my grief?” What would your life look like if your grief was not so strong? What would you be doing? How would things be different? Who are you now? It’s important to move forward, making small gains while continuing to honor your grief.
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